Wednesday, 26 November 2014: Lindsay ... visit ... Thanksgiving ... Feby's ... snow/sleet/rain ... tripping roof sounds ...

It seems as though it has passed too quickly, Lindsay's visit to her father and grandmother this pre-Thanksgiving, and as the rain, early snow/sleet falls outside on this chilly, miserable day, the busiest of the year for traffic and travel, we get ready to drive to Philly Airport, a good 3 hours before my daughter's departure time for her Delta flight to Atlanta, 7:20 p.m.  

11 July 2014: Friday ... McKie the letter writer ... Wahoo t-shirt, accent, Afrikaans (11 state languages in S. Africa) ... Lindsay & Alex on the General ... Roller Derby at Delcastle ...

View from the General Jackson Riverboat and the Nashville skyline on a full moon Friday with Lindsay and Alex aboard. 

The first Friday of each month, this summer at least, you'll find more than several roller derby enthusiasts at Delcastle Recreation Area. Members of teams all over the area, men and women, played under lights and a full moon. — at Delcastle Recreational Park.

14 June 2014: Saturday ... afternoon workout on Expresso.net (9.5 miles in less than 35 minutes) ... Sarah from N. Georgia fitness employee ... walk into paradise w/Dancer at Bark Park ... Netherlands hoodie from Amazon and Lindsay ...

It's not W. Eugene Smith's kids walk into paradise but it's my canine
child's walk outside Bark Park and it works for me this early Saturday evening.



A Father's Day gift from Lindsay via Amazon express. She texted me to see whether I'd received it.

5 June 2014: Thursday ... LINDSAY sent me abstract/poster from her research ... BodyVive & Dragana ... Jennifer ... sweaty t-shirt ... yoga ... Sue ...

~ Climbed out, tentatively and forwardly (on my stomach), to the roof to clean off the gutters. They are already protected from leaf detritus, et al., but went ahead and wiped them off and cleared some limbs from the roof and sent earthward to an inquisitive Dancer. It is a shallow grade but still harrowing up there. One misstep and you are dead or paralyzed for the rest of your life. It is a good distance from the high points on the roof to the ground below. Not a welcome journey by any means, but it does look better and as I'm typing this, I made it back, safely.

~ We got the check from Homeowner's Insurance Company, Lititz, today and mom signed the check for $1,086.85. I did not go over the details but it's an amount that should be able to cover repair of the dining room ceiling. ~ Good walk with Dancer tonight as the moon ascended (the western sky was beautiful). Did over 2 miles (2.35) and interwove the path and picked up an additional two doggie bags. The walking is good especially toward the end where the incline is steeper for a section and the heart rate gains. Many Mexican families come and play soccer, a game they love, as the parents teach it to their children, but it's unfortunate that many have a weight problem but at least they are active. ~ Call tonight to Katia was settling and meaningful. We will meet tomorrow night and go out and do something. We may do First Friday in downtown Wilmington or just get a bite to eat. Whatever she wants to do as I've promised to give her my undivided attention. She is a special lady and she needs caring at the present time.

30 May 2014: Friday ... Lindsay's 24th birthday ... Marli Stam-Schouten's birthday ... Nashville riverboat trip on 7/11 ... mom's text ... mom's call

3 May 2014: Saturday ... lazy morning (late night) ... mowed lawn ... met neighbors on corner (Ed & Lisa parents; Michael & Tommy kids) ... storm rolls in early evening ... FB messaged Sierra Leone persistence

After these many months of watching the kids on the corner of Kingsgate Lane & Nicholby Drive playing, constantly, I met them, courtesy of Dancer, of course, and their parents. They are black children with white parents. Michael, who is high-functioning autistic, and Tommy, outgoing and inquisitive, and their caring parents Ed, from New Jersey, and his native Delawarean wife, Lisa, and their dog, seen from the inside, who resembles Dancer and may have the same chow/Golden Retriever lineage.

1 April 2014: Tuesday ... birthday of Rachmaninov (thanks to Jihed) ... also link to Berlin Phil rec. of Beethoven IV symphony ... Core Challenge ... yoga w/Christine ... talk w/Tilly Rotter (talking to Mom right now 7:32 p.m.) ... disquieting phone call from Lindsay ...

• Karen Shields Hi, Dancer.

  April 1 at 6:26pm · Unlike · 1
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  Patricia Alcamo Choruzy We have a golden too. An old guy at 12 years.

  April 1 at 9:33pm · Unlike · 1
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  Carol Seay Witzell what a lovely play of the light!

  April 1 at 10:18pm · Unlike · 1
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  Rudy Nyhoff I hope to get a good 12 years and more out of my beloved Dancer, Patricia, and yes, Carol, the light from my window facing west brings in some brilliant shafts of light (which is redundant isn't it? Can there be a dull ray of light?).

  April 1 at 11:08pm · Like

26 March 2014: Wednesday ... workout shortened by mom's shortness of breath during Amy's Body Pump ... Beth visits, no key (now one under welcome mat) ... Skeesha's wonderful visit, as always ...

Dancer reminds me of a sphinx with her silent stance at the top of the steps in the living room.

First time I had to leave the Y early to come home for a distressed mom. I called Beth and she phoned Mom, found her respiration at 7 and came to the house to find it, or course, locked. (I would come home and place a house key under the welcome mat for future emergencies.) Well, I left Amy's Body Pump in its last phase and got home quickly to find mom OK and gave her a dose of morphine which calmed her. 
We got a welcome delivery from FedEx this afternoon. The drugs, amazingly ordered just yesterday by Beth (who I texted today about those drugs and whether she'd included Tamazepam and morphine, she did because they were in the manila, sealed container), got here and I took some welcome time to fill the containers in the 7-day pill dispenser. It's nice to have enough pain and tranquilizer meds for mom. It makes her life so much more bearable. 
Skeesha came about midday and was wonderful as usual. She makes mom glow and makes the bed and is just such a lovely person. Really makes mom's day, 3X a week. I actually stayed awake during this visit and got to let her out on this windy, chill day. 
Have been driving to Delcastle Recreational Park to walk Dancer in its long, windy, narrow asphalt path around the facility and with inroads during the walk which worked out to almost 2 & 1/2 miles this afternoon. She always does her business like clockwork and gets a good walk in as I take her off the leash on a quiet afternoon with few guests. 

Robert Jones called and I vented about my feeling of loneliness and lack of success in the relationship department. I'd deleted some of the e-mails that Christine had not read on Match.com and probably never would have and I feel that she just doesn't want to get involved. Another excuse, legitimate, her daughter's illness kept us from a coffee date on Tuesday and I don't think it will become a reality. I need to back off and just let the chips fall where they may. I have no control over what happens in my relationships with women and it's best that I not force things. If she wants to get together, fine, if not, well, at least I will know and can move on to wherever. I did mention to Robert that my best friend of late has been a friend I reached out to because of our mutual love of Mozart, a Tunisian college student and Android app designer, Jihed Khiary, from Tunis. All others appear to have other interests and do not take the time to share their time with me.

I did hear back from Erica, through texting, about the tickets to the 87ers on Friday evening. She can't go as she has to work, so I have 4 tickets and only me. Perhaps Katia might be interested or somebody from church. Need to get on it as I have an appt. with Szewcyk tomorrow about the taxes and a possible date to walk dogs with Bob and Caleb early on Friday. The game is Friday night at the Carpenter Center on the U of Delaware campus. 

15 December 2013: Sunday ... some overcast as 7 days approach since his passing, the snow came yesterday afternoon ... family headed to BWI ...

9 December 2013: Monday ... Doug on the road ... preparing for visitation and a reception at home ... kids & Susan flying into Baltimore ... first full day without dad

I shoveled all the walkways and the driveway and cleared the good 4' of snow off the Honda and drove to Mealey Funeral Home, around the corner, after a call from Jim Keith, the director who arranged dad's funeral back in October during a family meeting in mom's room, that the cremation form needed my signature. Chick Mealey, owner, showed me around. They've been there since 1972 and I'd never, of course, been in the business. They were decorating for the Christmas season. Chick's son was putting up a tree. I also looked at the many cremain urns, such choice, brought a brochure home for Doug to look at.

Timeless Turquoise Raku Ceramic Cremation Urn

The body is at the crematory. Doug (who just phoned with a query about what road to take outside D.C. -- follow signs for 95 to NY and Baltimore we decided), driving up from Atlanta since early morning (had to stop and dose, much like dad did all those years ago in that cross-country drive home from Yellowstone -- shower at a truck stop and sleep in the car for a few hours, how he did it, I do not know), does not want to see dad's body and I don't either. It's just a body. It is not him. His life essence is gone but still present in a handkerchief, which, when mentioned to Susan in a phone call this morning, brought tears cascading down my cheeks. Those darn smells get me.

So much happening on this first day of the rest of my life without my father, living with my mother, who is so ill, but I just got off the phone (1:02 p.m.) with Susan, who has booked a flight, with Nick, from Charlotte to Baltimore for $240.00 on Friday night. They (Nick and Lindsay and their mom) will rent a car because Lindsay will also be flying into Baltimore from Nashville. Unfortunately, they'll only be able to stay two nights, leaving very early Sunday morning for an am flight back to Charlotte, I gather. I think Lindsay can stay later but I'm not sure, I thought she told me she'd be leaving for a Sunday pm flight. WE shall see, but nonetheless, the myriad pieces, these ones so important, are falling together.

Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport

 At the close of this first day of the rest of my life without my father, I saw that Brenda Dillon, the "ol Southern gal filled with empathy" had texted me about the support of FB and just asked, simply: "How are you doing tonight?" (Wow, is that empathy or what and I wrote, after coming to bed and having slept, blissfully and soundly, through an overtime period and shootout between the Flyers and the Ottawa Senators, won by the Canadian team, 5-4, on his old bed, the one he died in just 28 hours earlier, unmade, just the mattress and head resting on one of the 4 pillows he would place carefully against the wall after making his bed):
Empathy ... big word, larger feeling, colossal effect. I'm making it through that first day. Just walked in his old slippers, fit snuggly, and dosed through a close hockey game on the mattress of his unmade bed in the room he died. I slept like a baby, which I was in his arms 57 years ago.

What am I thankful for today?

1. Doug being here safe and sound on a 13-hour trip begun in the early morning.
2. For talking to Susan and crying as I held dad's handkerchief in my hand and the working out her visit with our children this Saturday (they will fly into Baltimore on Friday evening and rent a car, perhaps together, I am unsure of that at present).
3. Friends like Lois Greef who visited with slippers for mom because her feet are swollen and hurting.
4. Professionals like the people at Mealey Funeral Home, in particular the president, Charles "Chick" Mealey, who had me sign the cremation form today and showed me various types of urns for dad's ashes.
5. For Bachetti's and the food they can put together for our planned reception at our home after visitation this Saturday at Mealey's at the intersection of Limestone and Milltown Roads.
6. For friends and family.
7. For the snug, perfect feel of dad's slippers on my feet and the opportunity to type this at the computer but missing his presence but knowing that he is all around me.
8. Good night dad and wherever you are, know that you are loved and missed by so many. Safe travels.
9. Just helped mom up from the floor (she called to me) where she'd fallen ten minutes earlier from her bed. It is after midnight and I am waking up as I type this after having gone comatose while watching the Flyers/Senators hockey game. She was face down and curled up like a wrestler on the mat and unable to get up. We worked to get her up and more secure on the bed. Turned up the heating pad and tucked the blanket up around her neck. She apologized and I said she didn't need to. I'm amazed it has not happened before. I had just brought her a cup of tapioca pudding which she'd eaten. Dad ate the vanilla pudding, probably the last thing he ate on this earth and he enjoyed it. Portable, small and tasty. 

1 December 2013: Sunday ... Lindsay's last day ... just got back from dropping her at Philly Airport and just finished texting her mother about her trip ... maybe last visit to grandfather ...

His granddaughter had gotten him a glass of milk earlier and granddad wanted
a refill just prior to Lindsay's departure for the airport and her Southwest nonstop
flight to Nashville this evening, leaving at 8:30 p.m. Got her there with plenty
of time to spare at Terminal E. This will probably be the last time she sees her
grandfather alive. Love to have her back again.

It cannot hurt to post this photo, so precious, on two days. This might have been the last interaction between granddaughter and grandfather on this Sunday late afternoon. I just don't recall, but repetition in this case creates greater love and connection between this special bond. 

5 Reasons to be thankful:

1. Jane Frelick was back at church today.
2. I had lunch with Lindsay at Juliana's Kitchen.
3. Lindsay got to be and talk with her grandparents.
4. The choir sang 4 songs today.
5. The power, which shut off, came back on within 30 minutes.

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30 November 2013: Saturday ... Wayne Gilmour's 23rd birthday ... Lindsay's breakfast at Mary's Kountry Kitchen ... washin' egg off Honda ... usin' Dutch Oven to bathe dad ...

I believe this was when Lindsay first arrived Friday evening and not on Saturday. It looks like early evening and dad was up when I got back from the airport with her. She arrived about 6:30 on her flight on U.S. Airways from Nashville (I waited, for the first time, in the cell phone waiting area with its lit-up board detailing flight arrivals. Hers was on-time. She texted me and then called me asking me where I was. I though she was still on the plane but she'd was getting off when she texted and headed straight to the exit door and sidewalk outside the U.S. Airway terminal.)


I had brought treats, one for mom and one for Lindsay, to give to Dancer and deflect her focus on mom's lunch plate of grilled ham/cheese, an overwhelming smell of delicacy for my pet's sensitive olfactory system.

Dancer gets a treat from Grandma Bowwow.


Just another look of delight on Dancer's face as she is petted by Lindsay.

 Things Thankful/Unhappy about Today: 

• The worker at the car wash taking extra time to clean the egg off the window of the Honda.
• Lindsay being here for an abbreviate though wonderful weekend.
• Wayne Gilmour's 23rd birthday and that of his father, 60th, yesterday, and the continued recovery of Jan from cancer treatment which is still ongoing. 
• Lindsay having breakfast with me at Mary's Kountry Kitchen.
• The high school girls who bonded at MKK, one wearing a Conrad HS Cross Country jacket (she was in good shape), the other, unsmiling, poured us coffee, started to smile once her friend arrived. She looked better with a smile rather than a frown. 
• Our server, a man, doing double duty, with a full arm tattoo, I gave $20.00 to for the bill and told him to keep the change (which I should have taken some because I didn't have singles to give a tip to the car wash attendants who dried the Honda ... had to buy an interior deodorant and get change via debit ... speaking of which, Lindsay pressed the right button at the News & Tobacco store and didn't have to sign her receipt as I did. Got a smile out of the attendant, an attractive in a hard way cashier, who gave me a nice smile at my comment. 
• The chance to care for my parents, daily, and to receive an inordinate amount of thanks from them. 
• But I am also chastened by my feelings of animosity at certain actions of my parents like my father coming down the stairs and getting the mail and then going through his routine of opening it and my mother asking for more anti-anxiety meds or pain meds. I lose patience and it shows in my voice and they are so vulnerable and so needy that I just need to put a lid on it, like Gail Emerson says she did with her mother and I guess her siblings. 
• I also feel an animus toward Susan and her silence and her terse, short e-mails and inability to reach out and provide any sort of support for me other than the basics, the utter minimal amount of effort. It's probably in my head but I feel that I can do without it and can move forward. 
• I am thankful for Delaware Hospice who answer the phone and call right back and ask whether I need the Xanax tonight or can wait till Monday. They are there for you. 
• I am also disturbed by the silence treatment from so-called friends like Bob Hayman, who, I know are busy, but can't find the time to even call. Of course, I haven't sent an e-mail or made a call, either, but it is still such an isolating experience this thing called care provider (of course, I haven't phoned Elaine in over a month or Allison ... it just falls off the radar screen, so, I can't judge lest I be judged for my inactions ... I am guilty of the same thing).
• I am thankful that we got birthday cards from the News & Tobacco Store for Bob and Wayne Gilmour birthdays. Mom signed and wrote, haltingly, on her card and dad signed it. 
• At this typing and soon-to-be closure, 7:41 p.m., Lindsay has not returned from the Gilmours birthday festivities and should I be worried. I am not but think I will text her when I shut down the computer in a few minutes. 
• Salamet malem ... bonne nuit ... shalom ... peace be with you ... may it be so. 
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